Dear Readers,

Let me tell you something else about Story. Not only does she want to shop and buy things, she also wants to bake. Earlier in the summer, Story watched the American Girl movie about Grace, who likes to bake, and that is what led to us making raspberry scones. We never made scones again, and while the asking to bake slowed down some, it never went away entirely. Recently Story was at a friend’s house and the mom allowed the girls to bake (all on their own!), and that relit Story’s fire in a big way. Also she got this book from the library last week, and what was I thinking would happen?

A couple nights ago, just before bedtime, Story was asking again if we could bake. The recipe she has been eyeing again and again in the Baking book is for Chocolate-Peanut Butter Brownies, so that was her specific ask. I had all kinds of reasons why this wasn’t going to work for me. For one thing, I don’t like to bake. Second, I don’t want to carve actual time out of my day to do something I don’t enjoy. Third, it’s not productive baking like when I make muffins for the kids to have for breakfast. I do bake regularly, but it’s always for a purpose. Not just for the “fun” of baking.

I was tucking Story into bed that night and telling her that I might just not be able to bake with her. I am pretty confident in knowing who I am and what I can own about myself. In talking with Story, I compared the stress I felt about having a dog with the stress I was currently feeling about baking. I told her I knew it might be hard for her to understand how I can feel so differently from how she feels. She started to tear up and express again her longing to have been able to keep Bo, as well as her longing to bake. I acknowledged Story’s sadness but honestly I wasn’t moved much, and I remained pretty set in my decision that I wasn’t going to be able to bake with her. Before leaving her room, I told Story I would pray about it and that I would ask God to either somehow increase my capacity for this or to help me to know how to outsource the baking. She asked who I meant by that, and I said her grandmother or one of the moms of her friends who get to bake. I also told Story that she should pray in her bed and tell God about her longing.

After leaving her room, I went to share with TJ how I was feeling, and the boys were sitting there too. I expressed my frustration with being made to feel that I have to do something that I don’t like to do. (I am aware how self-centered this sounds, but I am also aware that as an 8, feeling controlled is just about the worst thing in the world.) Why does Story have to choose to like things I don’t like (shopping, dogs, baking) and push me in those ways? Why can’t someone else bake with her? Why can’t she just accept that I might be a mom who doesn’t bake? Cash’s thought was, “But couldn’t you bake with her one time a month?” TJ listened and didn’t say much and I just vented. And then I went to finish cleaning up the kitchen before bed.

As I was wiping off the table, I heard from inside myself something that wasn’t me. The words were as plain as day: Ginger, do not reject the thing she is into, because that feels to Story like you are rejecting her. Ouch. But also, thank you God, Jesus, and Holy Spirit for loving me enough to correct me. I felt like God was also saying, Ginger, it’s okay that you couldn’t have the dog, but you can bake. Wow. Okay, so…..I don’t get to be a mom who doesn’t bake. I can bake with Story one time a month. For no purpose except to do this thing with her that she loves. Who knew that a strong, boundaried 8 could be pushed over sideways into two zeroes when the Holy Spirit lovingly entered the room? 100% yes and bring it on. I cannot be left to my own ways.

I finished my clean up chores and then went back to TJ and the boys and told them what I had just experienced. They were kind and receptive. Then I went to check on the girls once more before bed, and when I found Story still awake, I asked her if she was thinking about baking. She said yes, and she also told me she had prayed. I shared with Story what I felt God say to me, and her immediate response was, That is exactly what I was feeling, meaning the rejection of her. There was definitely movement in my heart now. Story’s second response was So you will bake with me?! I told her yes, we would bake once a month and she could pick a recipe each time. Of course, her next happy question was Can we start tomorrow? I said a gentle no to that as I already had plenty of kitchen work planned for the following day. Also, I could use a little more mental prep and recipe prep time, and I knew I could own that.

But to bake or not to bake is no longer the question. The question is Will you reject her, and the answer is No, I will not. So I’m sorry, Bauer, but you won’t be able to have what we are baking first with the eggs and the peanut butter in them. But there will be a next month. And a next. And maybe I’ll even be able to turn Story loose in the kitchen before too long and let this girl bake to her heart’s content. But for now, my heart is content to help her.

Love, Ginger